Section 8 of Part 5 – Some Things I Have to Say About All This
Dave, you were a very good Sup and now you are no longer wearing that hat and consequently you are no longer delivering the valuable knowledge of the tech as you were before.
I have made some decisions since leaving the church on what things in my life need to be handled most urgently for the ultimate benefit of myself and my family. They are my personal decisions and I have worked out these decisions to the best of my ability.
If I ever do decide to deliver the tech professionally again, it will not be in the church.
It is not out of the question that the decisions that I’ve made have not been the perfect decisions or the best possible decisions. But, any advice that I would ever consider from anyone on what I should be doing with my life is going to be coming from someone who has a good comm cycle, who really listens well and does his or her best to fully understand my current situations and viewpoints, before making any evaluations.
It is not going to come from someone who doesn’t even try to get the viewpoint of why I left the church and why I am not delivering the tech at this time. I am not willing to support the church and the only way that there is any possibility of that changing is for that group to get their ethics in.
It’s not going to come from someone who thinks that the only thing I should ever be doing with my life is to be on staff in the church because “that’s the only way.”
My intention, here, is not to be too harsh on someone who feels that they would like to see me delivering the tech again, I’m just saying that I have my personal reasons and anyone with any desire to get me to change any decisions would have to fully understand my viewpoint and be fully willing to grant beingness to my right to be the final decision point in what I do.
It’s fine to work hard for little pay for years and years when you think you are doing the right thing and when you think that what you are creating by doing so is a truly better world on a massive scale. When you find out that the leader is just using you for his own ends and that he couldn’t give a crap about “clearing the planet” except to just use that phrase as a false rallying cry for his criminal enterprise, there is no way I will ever go back to supporting such a thing ever again. I know better now and I will be much more difficult to fool in the future.
It’s ironic: I had a purpose for being on staff. I knew that to obtain that purpose I had to deliver a lot of tech to a lot of people. I was never satisfied with the numbers – not even close. Even when things improved whenever they improved I knew that it still wasn’t enough to accomplish my purpose. I hung on, in faith, that due to progress being made by the overall group and due to my continuing to improve my tech and get more results and more confidence, eventually the make-break point would be reached and it would all be worth it.
While on that road there were countless heartbreaking setbacks that sunk my stomach and drove my ruds out very often. I felt suppressed because my purpose wasn’t being reached. Most of it had to do with not actually having enough students on course or getting through their courses. The only thing that kept me going was the faith that I could get more skilled and that my group was actually going to pull it off. I did feel suppressed, I just didn’t know where it was coming from. I got case gain from my auditing and my training but my ruds in life just kept going out, off and on. When things were down it could sometimes get pretty heavy. I always made progress and my life was always on a general uptrend from my persistence in making it so, but nevertheless I sometimes had a real rough time due to the seeming inability to make my long-term goals.
My intention was to train a lot of people and make a big difference on the condition of the planet. The counter-intention was not spotted all that time but it had to do with the fact that a lot of people were NOT being trained and the numbers were not having the influence on the condition of the planet that I had as my goal.
Along with that came some guilty feelings that I was not pulling it off. These feelings put me at effect of anyone who reprimanded me for any less-than-stellar production and made it impossible for me to stand up for myself.
It resulted in a certain hunted feeling — that I could always be accused of and/or found guilty of something. It was like a little dark cloud that always followed me around wherever I went. Even though my life, abilities and happiness steadily improved throughout that time, that little cloud was always there, sometimes to a smaller degree but nevertheless it was always there to some degree. Usually it had to do with the idea of not contributing enough — that the blame for any bad condition could always be laid down at my door. It was very introverting. An org was not a safe space to be in. Perhaps you have a reality on this too.
My prior lack of ability to see things as they are and to stand up for myself and for what is really right, is behind that feeling. But lso, I would think that an organization that purports to have the capabilities of achieving total freedom for the individual, would not need to create such an atmosphere where guilt tends to follow a person wherever he goes.
It was a roller coaster ride emotionally and it lasted the whole time I was there, 25 years. I sometimes wondered if I was PTS but I never was able to come up with an item that would stably rid myself of the emotional roller coaster. So I just went on thinking it must be something else.
I remember one time, when I was at Flag, and on one of the low parts of the roller coaster. This particular time the low part was more particularly and profoundly low. I happened to walk by one of the TVs in the Coachman building (one of Flag’s delivery buildings) which was playing a past Int Management event. When I happened to walk by, it just happened to be at a part where COB was pushing the PTS/SP Course and he was mentioning how when a person isn’t doing well in life and just wasn’t flourishing and prospering, that he needs to handle it because he is PTS.
When I heard that, it just happened to be at an appropriate time for me personally as it really reached me. Wouldn’t it be nice to find a real SP and actually handle or disconnect and just rid myself of these unpleasant and degraded feelings once and for all? It was one of those brief moments of clarity.
Little did I know at the time that the SP I eventually would find for myself, years later, would be the very same guy who was making that point — so real to me — on that event video.
When I finally was able to see what COB’s actual agenda was, I could see that the basic underlying cause for the lack of expansion (and my failed purpose) was being perpetrated at the very top. He didn’t even have the purpose of clearing the planet. His squirreling and his abuse and his enforced over-regging was actually driving people away!
And yes it was definitely a relief just like what it’s supposed to be when one de-PTSes himself. No longer was I trying to achieve a purpose in the face of all that hidden counter-intention and other-intention by David Miscavige and his followers (which made my purpose impossible to achieve). It was a big relief and a stable one. I have not experienced that roller coaster phenomenon since then and I can’t tell you how good it feels. Now it all made sense why all that struggle was occurring for all those years. It was mostly because David Miscavige was moving mountains making sure that Scientology could not succeed.
Now I feel more free to use the gains I have made through Scientology, to flourish and prosper in life.