(Section 6 of Part 2 – Determining the Validity of Internet Data)
I was being deluged with information that just a few days before, I would have never, ever, imagined receiving. The claims being made against David Miscavige were the complete opposite of everything I had ever been led to believe about him and about what it was like to be at Int Management.
Well, I knew that if this stuff was true, that the church was not something that I wanted to be associated with. But MAN! This was tough. I didn’t know what to believe at first. I had told myself to be very careful with what to believe. I thought that it was possible that these people (who were making these claims of severe corruption and abuse at the top levels of management) had conspired to lie. But I didn’t know and I had a very difficult time making up my mind about what to believe and what not to believe.
Here I was listening to some very serious claims, much of it having a ring of truth to me (yet very difficult to believe) and at the same time, experiencing huge disappointment about something I had dedicated 25 years of my life to.
Add to that, the mystery about what was going to happen to my marriage. Mix that in with my concern about how to bring this subject up to HCO and what that reaction might be. And for good measure, add to that, the possibility of having to leave all my friends knowing I would be giving them huge losses about my leaving as well as my own losses about leaving them — all of this made more difficult because I would be unable to tell them why, so that they would understand. Lastly, I was trying to be as objective as possible while trying to figure out if all these people were conspiring to lie about the church.
I spent about 2 days waffling and wallowing in maybes AND going on post in the evenings. It was very enturbulating. But the enturbulation was only temporary and only there because I had not yet completed the process of evaluating all the data. I still needed to examine how I honestly felt about all of it to resolve the maybes.